October has come and gone and..

October has come and gone and I had a plan for the month.  As I am sure you know, October is known as Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Last year I posted a breast cancer educational fact each day of the month.  I had a plan to do the same thing this October and I started to, but then, I just couldn't.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Why?


I just didn't have the energy to do it.  I also wondered if people even read them.  I know we are all bombarded with posts on social media and we just scroll.  And "Pinktober" is just thrown in our faces and who wants to hear more about breast cancer?  

I also realized that the wounds are still fresh.  At the end of October I found out that a coworker of mine, who was diagnosed around the same time I was, and we went through treatment at the same time, we talked about radiation damage from PT just a few months ago, was sick, and by sick, I mean with what we all thought was the flu.  

Turns out, her cancer was back, and it is stage 4, in her lungs and her bones.  It's bad.  And I just lost it.  So many emmotions came up.  Anger, fear, guilt, sadness.  

I was angry for her.  I was scared for her and for myself.  I felt guilty.  And I felt so, so sad. And then I just wanted to distance myself from all of it.  Cancer. Medicine. "Pinktober." All of it.  I just wanted it to all go away.  

But it didn't. It just all came back.  ALL OF IT.  The fear, the depression, the anger, the stress, the anxiety.  All of it.  I thought I had really kind of moved on, but then I realized I hadn't.  It was all still there.  And then I was just MAD.  Really, really MAD.  

Why can't I just get over this and move on?  Why can't my life be how it used to be?  Why can't I be as active as I used to be?  Why do I have to deal with the side effects that keep me from doing things with my kids and husband?  Why are we still paying medical bills?  They are a daily reminder of it all. Why?  

I just want it all to go away.  I want my pre-cancer life back.  But it's not coming back.  And each day I am reminded of that.  Each time I have to tell my kids to not hug my bad side I am reminded of that.  Each time I get sick from my meds I am reminded of that.  Each time a bill comes I am reminded of that.  And I think that is what October did to me, reminded me that my life was never coming back.

I am sure you are thinking, "Come on, you gotta get over this and move on."  Trust me I think that too, ALL THE TIME!  And then I just get pissed that I can't move on.  Some days are better then others, but then it all just comes back.  I keep waiting for the day when it's not there, but reminders are everywhere.  

The pain in my side from surgery and radiation.
The medicine that I take each day.
The side effects from the medicine.
The bills that keep coming.

The reminders are always there.  So I think that is why I couldn't post my educational posts for October.  It was just one more reminder.