What cancer has done...

I have wanted to be transparent about all of this.  And I feel like I have done a mediocre job of that, so this post is the one that will bring it all to the front.  

Everyone has a fucked up view of cancer.  Everyone thinks the diagnosis and the active treatment are the hard parts.  Don't get me wrong they are.  When I got the call I didn't even know what to think.  It was the absolute worst feeling I have ever had.  And it was on a Friday at 5:00 pm, so I had no one to give me any answers and I just had to sit with the thought of this thing growing inside my body, trying to kill me.  Because that's what cancer does.  It takes over your healthy cells and turns them against you.  

I remember not wanting to put a single thing in my mouth except water because I had heard that coffee causes cancer.  That sugar causes cancer.  That bread causes cancer.  That eating the wrong food can make cancer worse.  Then I worried because I was worrying and I had heard that stress causes cancer.

I googled, which is the ABSOLUTE worst thing to do.  What was my subtype?  What would my treatment be?  Oh, god!  Would I have to have mastectomy?  What was going to happen to me?  Am I going to die?  Has it spread?  All the questions.  And it wasn't like the answers were coming quickly.  The waiting....  GOOD GOD!  Can't we move a little faster.  

Then the answers.  There they were.  

Chemo.  Surgery.  Radiation.  More chemo.  Pills.  More surgery. More pills.  Oh, and let's not forget all the tests, scans, blood work, MRIs, CTs.  The list goes on and on.

You know what?  Having cancer isn't that bad.  I had a tumor growing in my body for about a year, and guess what?  I felt fine.  I felt more than fine.  I felt GREAT.  I was working out twice a day.  Momming to two kids.  Teaching school.  Getting ready to move across the world.  I didn't have cancer.  

You know what's bad?  Treating the cancer.  This is where you need to stop reading if you are going to pass judgement on the treatment plan I selected.

After my first chemo I was in the hospital for 5 days.  And it was bad.  I could have died because I had NO white blood cells.  NONE.  I could have died from the chemo not the fucking cancer.  But isn't this what we are all told?  You could die from the cancer if we don't treat it, but guess what the chemo might kill you too.  But we have some other drugs that can help the chemo not kill you.  So lets try those too.

Awesome, I love those odds.  

Well, I survived chemo.  And once things got back on track I actually felt okay.  Not great.  But okay.  I thought, "WOW!  This is not great.  But I can do this.  I'm going to be okay."

Then came surgery.  Thanks to the chemo that almost killed me, my tumor had gotten A LOT smaller so, I was given the option of a lumpectomy plus radiation or a mastectomy and may be radiation.  Again, great choices.  Barf.

I went with the lumpectomy and radiation.  Which turned out to not be as bad as I thought.  Really.  Again, I thought, "Okay.  I can do this.  My skin isn't burning that bad.  I'll be okay.'

Then more chemo.  These rounds were a piece of cake.  I mean, really.  It wasn't that bad.  I didn't feel great.  But I wasn't throwing up.  I had to get fluids every other day, but that kept me from getting sick and that was pretty awesome.

Then came the pills.  This is where the shit got, and is continuing to, get bad.  I felt worse on tamoxifen than I did with my chemo.  Headache.  Nausea.  Depression.  Bladder issues.  HUGE cyst on my ovary.  This lead to surgery to remove my ovaries.

And this brings me to today.  New medicine with crappy side effects.  Bone pain.  Depression.  Headache.  Nausea.  Bladder pain.  Menopause with no hormone replacement therapy, because my cancer was hormone positive.  So I get to deal with side effects on my own or with another medication with it's own side effects.  And I am waiting to hear when I am supposed to start one more pill with some shitty side effects, literally.

So, if an effort to be transparent here it is:

Cancer has drained us financially, and will continue to.  (Yes, even with insurance.)

Cancer almost broke my marriage.

Cancer almost broke my relationship with my kids.
Caner has broken my body in more ways than I can count.

Cancer has almost pushed me to the edge.  Yes.  

I know that my story is not special or unique in anyway.  There are millions of other people with the same story and my heart aches for them in a way I can't even explain.  

This is not supposed to be my life.  This is not supposed to be anyone's life.  But it is.  And right now it really, really sucks.  And I know over time it will get better.  I know that. 

So, even though this isn't supposed to be my life, it is.  And as hard as it has been I keep showing up.  And you know what happens when you keep showing up?  

You get through it.