The Diagnosis

May 12, 2017, 4:55pm

Invasive ductile carcinoma
ER/PR+
Grade 2
Suspicious lympic invasion


Before that Friday I had no idea what all of that meant.  Now?  I know more than I have ever wanted to know.

When the voice on the other end said, "Is this a good time to talk?"  I knew.  I knew what she was going to say, and she said it.  The C word and not the 4 letter one.  CANCER.  And you know what I wanted to say back to her, "WHAT THE FUCK?  I breastfed for 4 fucking years!  I am healthy!"


But I didn't say any of that.  I cried and said, "What do I do now?"  She rattled off some stuff and then I hung up and called Josh.  All I remember saying to him is, "It's cancer."  And I cried.  After that I got my shit together because tonight was our kids' school program dammit and this shit wasn't going to ruin it.  And it didn't.  We went and it was great!

I don't really even know what I was thinking.  I just knew I had to keep it together.  And I did. But after the kids went to bed I let it go.  I was pissed and sad and scared, and really, really fucking pissed off!

I talked to my parents, my inlaws, Josh, and I googled, which we all know is bad, but knowledge is power and where do we get our knowledge?  Google, right?!  And I texted and called people who had survived breast cancer and who could help me.

And that night I started my fight!