My Daughter, the Planner...

I have never understood vow renewals.  I'm not judging, I just don't, well I didn't, understand why couples would do them.

Our 17th anniversary was on March 27, 2020.  For the whole week I knew Atleigh had something planned I just didn't know what.  I kept explaining to her that it was not Mother's Day, that they day was about Daddy too!  

Fast forward to the 27th at about noon.  Josh tells me she wants us to recreate our wedding day!  Say what!?  Why hasn't anyone told me this all week?  I could have been prepared for this!!!  And when it comes to Atleigh she has BIG plans!  Dresses, flowers, decorations, all of it.  And we had about 4 hours to do it all.  

I'll be honest at first, I was just kind of feeling what ever about this.  Thinking, "Okay we will do this for the kids, whatever. Let's do it and be done, have dinner, baths and go to bed."

Atleigh explained her vision to me: decorations around the fire place, she would be the flower girl and the maid of honor, Tristan would be the ring bearer and the best man, Unkie would do the ceremony over FaceTime, there would be music, and kissing, and bouquet throwing, all of it.  I seriously was just like whatever, sure. 

And then I stopped.  And realized how important this was to my little girl.  How she had planned this all week.  How thought out it all was.  And I decided to embrace it.  Decorations, flowers, dresses, make up, real shoes!  All of it.  

So we decorated, we found some flowers to use, we did hair and make up, we found a pillow for the rings and a flower girl basket, we practiced, and we got Unkie and his family on FaceTime!  

And then it came time for the real ceremony.  Thank goodness for Alexa.  We played the music we played at our wedding.  We all walked in and stood in our spots and then Unkie began.  And when he did we all kind of laughed and smiled.  Things were normal.  Kids running around, dog getting into whatever he could find.  Josh dropped the ring and the dog almost ate it, but then we go to the vows and something changed.  

All of a sudden a huge feeling of overwhelm came up, emotions started flooding to the surface.  

"in good times, and in bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."

I said these words 17 years ago and they meant something else on that day in March, but on this day in March they meant so much more, and I had no idea.  

I had no idea that 17 years ago when I said, "in good times, and in bad," what that would really mean.  That good times, weren't fun and games, and bad times just weren't bad moods.  Good times were getting the kids to bed on time.  Bad times were dealing  with fears of loss and depression.

I had no idea that 17 years ago when I said, "for richer, for poorer," what that meant.  That there would be job loss, moves, and medical bills that might break us financially.

I had no idea that 17 years ago when I said, "in sickness, and in health," that we would be faced with me getting cancer.

I had no idea that 17 years ago when I said, "to love and to cherish," what that really stood for.  What it really means to cherish someone.  To imagine a world without that person and to feel like you might just die.

"This is my solemn vow." I said these words, but did not understand the meaning.  I though I did, but I had NO idea. NONE.

But I do now, and saying those words over again, on that day, 17 years later meant so much.  It was a reminder of all that we have been through.

A move to Colorado. 
A move to Alaska. 
No family around for MILES.
A move back to New Mexico. 
A move back to Alaska.
A complicated and scary pregnancy.
A child being born.
A move back to NM.
New jobs.
No jobs.
New jobs.
Another complicated pregnancy.
Another child being born.
Post partum depression.
A move to Texas.
Preparing to move to another country.
A cancer diagnosis.
Raising kids.
Another move.
The death of our yorkie.
Surviving the cancer treatment.
No job.
Raising kids.
New job.
No job.
New job.
Raising kids.
The death of our lab.
Social distancing.
Raising kids.

The list goes on.  These things didn't happen to just one of us, they happened to both of us.  And we survived them TOGETHER.  That's what those vows mean.  All of this. Seventeen years ago I said those words,and I thought I knew what it meant, but I had no idea.

I was totally taken back by all of this.  There will never be enough words or the right words to ever make Atleigh understand what she did for me this day.  She opened my eyes and my heart.  I am so grateful for such a wonderful daughter and that she planed this day for us.  We needed it.  I needed it.

I Am One of "Those People"

I am one of those people.  I am someone who is at higher risk for contracting coronavirus and developing complications from it.  

The medicine that was used to save my life and kill my cancer has also put me at higher risk for contracting illnesses, like the flu and coronavirus.  My white blood cell count is still well below the normal range and this presents a problem for me in a time like this.

I am not going to lie when all of this started I thought it was just another media scare tactic.  I mean let's be honest they tend to do that.  SARS, H1N1, the flu.  All of these illnesses have been serious there is not doubt about that. And this is serious too, for many of us.  

I just got a good mammogram report back.  I was starting to think, "Hey, I can maybe feel normal again.  Maybe I don't need to be so scared all the time."  And then BAM!  Right in my face.  Nope!  

Josh and I have had MANY arguments about this.  I was not about to let fear dictate what I did or didn't do.  I was starting to feel like I was getting my life back.  He has had to repeatedly remind me that until I have a stable immune system I don't get to do whatever I want to do.  

I am pissed.  I am mad that things feel so out of control.  That schools are closed.  That stores are picked over.  That my kids can't play with their friends.  That we can't go out to eat.  I don't like this.  It took me a few days to identify why I don't like it.  You know why?  It reminds me of chemo!  And that pisses me off.  

I know there are many of you who think this is all being blow out of proportion, and for you it might be.  At first I kind of thought it was too.  And part of me still thinks it might be overkill.  But for someone like me, someone who is immune compromised, things like staying home, canceling school, and extra cleaning, can be life saving.  These are things that I have to take into consideration during flu season or when there is an outbreak of strep at my kid's school.  For most of you coronavirus is no different than the flu.  But for me it is all very dangerous.    

So, I know all of this is frustrating and inconvenient for so many.  When you are mad or annoyed think of me, my kids, and my family and know how grateful we are that you are taking precautions to protect me.  

My First Chemo Buddy Died

My first chemo buddy died last week.  This has probably been the saddest news I have heard since I was diagnosed.  She was a caring, kind hearted, bright woman who was always smiling, always willing to talk to the newbies, to help out, to show us the way, to offer support.  And she died.  She died of a disease that we are told is one of the most treatable cancers.  

She was three months older than me.  She had 4 kids. She had a husband.  She had a life before and after cancer.  She had friends.  She had family.  And now she is gone. And it's sad.  It's so, so sad.  

I am sad for me and I am sad for her family.  This news was hard and hit deep and I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  

She was a special person who knew she was going to die.  She talked about it.  She talked about not seeing her boys graduate.  About not being around.  But it doesn't make this any easier.  

She was a kind sole with so much to offer the world. And now she is gone.  

13 Months and 365 Doses Later....

In January of 2019 I started a new medicine call Nerlynx.  It had only been on the market for a little over a year and is designed for HER2+ cancer (which is what I had).  My doctor offered it to me and I knew I would take it because I wanted to make sure that I had done/was doing everything to prevent the cancer from coming back.

The catch was the side effects.  
- nausea
- extreme fatigue
- dehydration
- muscle cramps
- mouth sores
- sever diarrhea

PTSD and the Chemo Suite

On Tuesday I had to go get an infusion for osteoperosis due to the chemo meds and menopause.  

This was my first time back in the chemo suite in almost a year and let me tell you I had all the feels.  The day didn't start great.  I was dealing with side effects from my Nerlynx so I already wasn't feeling good.

As the day progressed I just had more and more anxiety and uneasiness.  I really wasn't sure why.  Last time I got this infusion I was really sick the next day so I thought may be that was it.  Just dreading being sick and trying to double up on fluids to prevent it.

But as I walked down the hallway I realized that was just part of it.  My body has no good memories of the chemo suite.  

I hate the "New Normal"

THE NEW NORMAL.....

I can't tell you how many times I heard that when I was diagnosed, going through treatment, going into surgery, getting maintenance meds, going to radiation, going to physical therapy because of surgery and radiation.

Everyone said it, "You will just have to adjust to your 'new normal."  Well what the hell does that mean?!!  I mean really, normal?!  There is nothing normal about cancer and the treatment that comes with it.  NOTHING!  

October has come and gone and..

October has come and gone and I had a plan for the month.  As I am sure you know, October is known as Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Last year I posted a breast cancer educational fact each day of the month.  I had a plan to do the same thing this October and I started to, but then, I just couldn't.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Why?


I just didn't have the energy to do it.  I also wondered if people even read them.  I know we are all bombarded with posts on social media and we just scroll.  And "Pinktober" is just thrown in our faces and who wants to hear more about breast cancer?  

I also realized that the wounds are still fresh.  At the end of October I found out that a coworker of mine, who was diagnosed around the same time I was, and we went through treatment at the same time, we talked about radiation damage from PT just a few months ago, was sick, and by sick, I mean with what we all thought was the flu.  

Turns out, her cancer was back, and it is stage 4, in her lungs and her bones.  It's bad.  And I just lost it.  So many emmotions came up.  Anger, fear, guilt, sadness.  

I was angry for her.  I was scared for her and for myself.  I felt guilty.  And I felt so, so sad. And then I just wanted to distance myself from all of it.  Cancer. Medicine. "Pinktober." All of it.  I just wanted it to all go away.  

But it didn't. It just all came back.  ALL OF IT.  The fear, the depression, the anger, the stress, the anxiety.  All of it.  I thought I had really kind of moved on, but then I realized I hadn't.  It was all still there.  And then I was just MAD.  Really, really MAD.  

Why can't I just get over this and move on?  Why can't my life be how it used to be?  Why can't I be as active as I used to be?  Why do I have to deal with the side effects that keep me from doing things with my kids and husband?  Why are we still paying medical bills?  They are a daily reminder of it all. Why?  

I just want it all to go away.  I want my pre-cancer life back.  But it's not coming back.  And each day I am reminded of that.  Each time I have to tell my kids to not hug my bad side I am reminded of that.  Each time I get sick from my meds I am reminded of that.  Each time a bill comes I am reminded of that.  And I think that is what October did to me, reminded me that my life was never coming back.

I am sure you are thinking, "Come on, you gotta get over this and move on."  Trust me I think that too, ALL THE TIME!  And then I just get pissed that I can't move on.  Some days are better then others, but then it all just comes back.  I keep waiting for the day when it's not there, but reminders are everywhere.  

The pain in my side from surgery and radiation.
The medicine that I take each day.
The side effects from the medicine.
The bills that keep coming.

The reminders are always there.  So I think that is why I couldn't post my educational posts for October.  It was just one more reminder.