Chemo round 7 - Ring the Bell!

Well, yesterday I had my last round of chemo, I hope.  I had mixed feelings the entire day.  A lot was different from my first round of chemo.  I wasn't nervous about going.  I just left the house like any other day.  Kids went to school.  Josh went to work.  I went to chemo.  

I had, and still do have, a lot running around my mind.  I always meet with my oncologist before chemo and I was nervous that he would want to postpone because I have a sore throat, but he didn't seem concerned about it so we got to go ahead.  I had questions for him like always.  Imagine that?  Me with my little notebook and all my info I have take from Dr. Google.  I actually use good sites, not just random shit.  😀  Anyway, he answered my questions like always.  But the one that was lingering was, "What if this isn't enough?  What if there is still more cancer?"  The answer is in the scans that will be ordered and the fact that I have to be back at the oncologist within 3 weeks, just in case it wasn't enough we can't get off our chemo cycle.

After my visit with Dr. Adler I got to go to the chemo suite, which is nothing of the sort.  Poor Atleigh was appalled at the set up.  She was home sick and Debbie had to bring me my nausea meds because I forgot to get them filled in time so Atleigh got to see all of us lined up getting our meds.  This round drug out a little because it took a while for my meds to get mixed up.  So needless to say I had time to sit and think, and think, and think, and read, and question, and worry.  You know all those things that make your mind feel free and clear!  Ha!

In the midst of all that I did remember that I needed to take a break and collect my thoughts, so I turned to my headspace app.  Which BTW is amazing and is totally helping me.  No judgements!

Moving on....  I was done around two.  And in tradition in most chemo suits there is a bell that you get to ring on your last day of chemo, however children under 12 are not allowed in the chemo suite.  You can imagine that this did not sit will with our determined 6 year old.  We made arrangements to come back at 5 so the kids could come in with me to ring the bell.  We had told Atleigh about it on my first day of chemo and I promised her she could come with me to do it.  The nurses were more that happy to accommodate us.  It was a wonderful feeling to have my kids there with me to celebrate this day.  Especially Atleigh.  She has been amazing through all of this and has done so well with all of the craziness this has brought her life.  

The funny thing is, I am not really leaving this place, we call the chemo suite.  I actually have to go back today and get a shot and then every other day for hydration.  And then after my surgery I have to go every three weeks for a year.  But today did mark some closure.  

I am not going to lie though, even as I was ringing the bell, in the back of my mind there was worry.  There is worry, and I feel like it will NEVER go away.  Worry that somehow I caused this. Worry that it's not all gone.  Worry that even though I have had chemo that it has spread.  And worst of all, worry that someday it will come back.  

I know worrying doesn't do anything.  I know I need to live and enjoy my life, Josh and my kids.  I know that I have to move on and keep going.  But part of me will always be worried that this terrible disease will come back.  It will always be haunting me.  

So as wonderful as yesterday was, it opens a whole new part of life and I don't know what to expect.