What is it about cancer? What makes it so scary? That it can kill you? That it takes so long to treat? That the treatment involves surgery? That sometimes IT wins? That sometimes it comes back? That just when scientist think they have it figured out it all changes? It's just another illness, right?
What is it about chemotherapy that is so upsetting? That you have to go and sit for hours to get it? That it has some shitty side effects? That it takes a really long time to work? It's just medicine, right?
Why is all this news so hard to deal with? Is it because we all know someone who has had cancer or who has died from cancer? Is it because it completely changes life plans? Is it because after the diagnosis we know that we have to deal with for the rest of our life?
I was so naive when this all started. I mean the diagnosis completely freaked me out. But I knew it wasn't a death sentence. I know the "cure" rate for breast cancer is high. But it's everything that comes a long with it. I really thought that I could get a few weeks of chemo, have some surgery and be on my way.
We had plans! Big plans. We had accepted jobs to teach at a private international school in Saudi Arabia. We were leaving in August. Wouldn't we still be able to do that? I mean, isn't it that simple?
Uhm, NO! I had no idea that this would be a year of my life dealing with this. I won't even start chemo for 1-2 weeks. Then it will be 12-18 weeks of chemo. That is 3-4 months! WTF?! Are you kidding me? Then surgery, may be, or more chemo, then surgery, may be. This is a 9-12 month treatment plan. I knew it would be rough because I have heard the stories, but I just thought this would be different. Dumb? Naive? I don't know.
So, what is it about cancer and chemo? It's everything. It's the unknown. It's not being in control. It's knowing that life decisions have to be based on treatment decisions. It's that my cancer not only affects me but everyone else around me. It's all of it.
I'm not writing this for sympathy. And I know breast cancer has a high survival rate. But I still get to think that it really sucks. And I still get to be pissed.
You pinned it perfectly! The Dx changes everything and it is OK to be really pissed!
ReplyDeleteOne day, hour, minute, at a time in different seasons of our lives is tough! You've got this Kendra! We love you and are praying for continued strength, healing, direction, and for all those around you, understanding!