Chemo Round 4

Well this morning Josh left for work, Atleigh went to kindergarten, Tristan went to preschool and I came to chemo.  Just like it was no big deal.  Crazy what a normal part of our life this has become and it's not going anywhere for a while.

This morning was filled with some good news.  I found out that this is my last round of this type of chemo.  So that is good.  We are making progress.  The plan now is to start some new chemo drugs in three weeks.  I will have three cycles (9 more weeks) of the new drugs and then surgery, then radiation (6 weeks), then herceptin and perjeta treatments once every three weeks for a year!  

So, although we are making progress there still is a long way to go. 

It's not about fighting...

"It takes a tough person to survive this.  If you don't fight you'll die."

This was said by another cancer patient today while I was getting fluids in the chemo suite, which is now a huge room with chairs that are all almost touching one another, and cancer patients packed like sardines, due to construction in the building.  Anyway....

This just hit me the WRONG way!  I was so pissed when I heard this lady say it and it took all my strength to not scream at her, "You fucking idiot!  It doesn't take a tough person to survive this.  The people who have died were not not being tough.  They were tough.  They fought hard too.  You dumb ass!"

But instead of saying that I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and cried a little.  I knew that I was not capable of saying anything that could come across as polite.  And I needed time with my thoughts to process it all.  I was just so upset.  

A few weeks ago I read an article about what people say to people with cancer and it's always something like, "You're tough.  You can beat this.  You're a fighter.  You are strong."  I have said it.  I said it to my friend Janet.  I said it to my friend Georgina.  It's what we say.  It's what we think.  It sounds good.  We want our loved ones to survive and it's what we think; fight, beat this.  But it doesn't make sense.  

Are the people who die from cancer, weak?  Did they chose to not beat this?  Did they wake up one day and decide not be a fighter?  Are they weak?  NO!  None of us are.

It's not about being strong and fighting.  It's about living.  And for all of us that looks different.  Some of us get up each day and can go on living normally.  Some of us get up each day and have to adjust to our new normal, less activity, less appetite, less strength.  Some of us can't get up each day.  

We all want to live.  And if we don't survive it doesn't mean that we didn't put up a "good fight" or that we weren't "strong enough."  It means that the doctors and the medicine did the best they could, but that this disease was too far progressed.  It has nothing to do with how hard we fought!

I know that these things are said with good intentions and a kind heart, and it's what is always said, but it's not about fighting or being strong, it's just simply about living.  Living our lives as best we can while we are dealing with this disease and the treatment that comes with it.