Asking for help, giving up, quitting....

When I had my first round of chemo I was in shock and upset, and then I got sick and was in the hospital, and was in more shock and more upset.  It took me two days of being in the hospital and having to ask for pain meds and my doctor coming in and talking to me for me to realize I needed help to beat this, and asking for help is not something that I am good at, at all!!!

Chemo Round 2

Well, I finished round 2 of my chemo on Monday.  Given what happened after round 1 you might think that I would be even more freaked out about going to the "chemo suite," as it so nicely named.  However, this time I was able to get out of the car with confidence, walk in, get my red folder, and head upstairs.  

Part of it was that I knew what to expect this time, and part of it is the fact that I have come to terms with what is happening.  I kept thinking I was giving up, not really fighting.  But I realized that is not true.  I am fighting.  On every single level.  I am not giving up.  EVER.

I think what keeps taking me back to that giving up thought process, is that for 5 months I had a tumor growing in my body and I felt fine.  Actually, I felt good.  I was exercising, eating right.  Really feeling good.  Then like a punch to stomach that knocks the wind out of you I was sick.  How could I feel fine while my own body was turning on me?  And then feel like shit once I start doing something about it?!  Ironic?  Crazy?  Whatever.  All that matters is that I am doing something about it and I have come to terms with that.  

On a different note, thank you to all of you!  We have received so much love and support since this crazy thing started.  There are not enough words to tell all of you how grateful we are!  It is amazing to know there are so many people behind us!