The Stages of Hair Loss

The one side effect I had been prepared for was the hair loss.  All the others, not so much.  So, I thought it a little ironic that I cut my hair short and it hadn't started falling out.  Wouldn't that be something if my hair didn't fall out?!!  Well, one day after being home from the hospital it started coming out, and by the handfuls! I was walking out of Wal Mart and a gust of wind came up I was worried it was going to blow all the hair off my head!  I knew it was time to break out the clippers.

I had mentally prepared for this, and we had tried our best to prepare Atleigh.  I wanted to make it fun and light hearted for her.  So I told her we would shave my head and have a party to celebrate!

I had just assumed from the beginning that Josh would shave my head.  I never even asked him.  Thank goodness he was willing to.  Before we even started Atleigh was pretty upset, but we explained to her why it had to happen and I told her she could help me pick out a wig.  She seemed to like that idea.  😂

The first few passes of the clippers were kind of hard for me to handle, but the more Josh kept going the better it felt.  Control.  This is what I have wanted all along and I now I had some.  My hair was coming off on my terms and it felt good.  The kids did really well with it.  They both like to rub the stubble on my head.  The final step, the electric razor.  

The stages:

So, it's done.  It was kind of a relief to get it off.  And Atleigh is doing okay with it.  She like to rub my head.  

Side Effects....

Well, long story short.....  I developed severe mouth sores as a side effect from the chemo and I developed a fever which ended up being neutropenia.  Basically, low white blood cell count and I ended up in the hospital for 4 days.  I was unable to eat or drink or talk.  My doctor said it was one of the worst cases he has seen.  

Chemo - Round 1

Well, I am not gonna lie, Monday was rough.  More emotionally than physically.  Each time something new has come a long I have had a hard time adjusting.  First the diagnosis, then all the tests, and now CHEMO.  Just saying it.  Just typing it.  Isn't this something that happens to someone else?  CHEMO.  It's so strange.  All of it.  

I wanted to be a little early, because I am me, and that's what I do.  But we were late, and that was okay.  Because once we got there I didn't want to get out of the car.  It was like I was admitting defeat.  That I was giving in.  And I was questioning myself and the decision we had made.  I have read the research, I know that chemo has to happen.  

Once I finally made it in the office I really tried to stall as long as I could, and that is very unlike me.  I just want to get shit done, but for some reason this is not something I wanted to start.  I guess I am still mad about it not being on my terms.  I am a control freak.  That's for sure!

So, anyway, one we got there, I had to check in and then make my way upstairs to the "chemo suite."  Really?  The "chemo suite?"  WTF?!  Anyway, we got up there and I just pretty much shut down.  Couldn't talk.  Just cried.  Good thing Josh was with me.  I had to make a decision on where to sit.  I can't pick out toothpaste!!!  

It was all pretty simple.  Some blood work.  Some waiting.  Some drugs.  Some lunch.  More drugs.  More waiting.  More drugs.  A little nap.  And an amazing nurse who kept checking on me and making me feel wonderful.  We got there at 8:15 and left at 5:00.  It was a long, long day.   

Again, another situation that I had played out in my mind and went nothing like I thought.  I get three drugs.  I just assumed that they would be mixed together, I'd get them and go.  That's not really how it works.  You would think that by now I would have realized that none of this works the way I think it should.   

But through it all I had text messages and emails coming in non stop and a book of email messages from so many people!  It was an amazing show of support and love.  And I am so thankful for everyone who is supporting me.  And as we left we were greeted by this beautiful little girl who got dressed up to come see her mama get her chemo.  

My little mini me has my stress level so she needed to see where I was and what was going on.  She's my girl.  

Here we are with my chemo blanket she made me.

My morning motivation:

My frist dose of drugs:

Cheesecake at chemo?  This is my kind of place!

 My afternoon motivation:

Notice the matching headscarves?  The nurse suggested I get one for Atleigh and myself.  😊  We had the "hair" talk.  It went better than I thought.  

Busy Week

It has been a busy week.  I have had numerous tests and appointments.  On Thursday we met with the oncologist, Dr. Adler.  We got some good news!  Based on the test results it appears, at this time, that the cancer has not spread and is localized to the breast!  There are still two tests out, but he felt confident based on the information he had.  We are still waiting on the results of the MRI for the brain and the breast.  But as of now, we are going with a diagnosis of STAGE 2.

The Answer

I wrote the previous post last week and never published it.  Then I watched an AMAZING documentary:

Cancer: The Emperor of All Maladies

If you have a couple hours and want to know everything there currently is to know about cancer check it out.  It is AMAZING!  There was a doctor on there that answered my question, "What is it about cancer?"

This is what he said,

"There's nothing more horrifying, nothing more extraordinary of all human maladies as cancer.  It's us killing ourselves.  There's something profound, something psychological, there's something primitively terrifying about it."

That's it.  That's what it is.

WTF?

What is it about cancer?  What makes it so scary?  That it can kill you?  That it takes so long to treat?  That the treatment involves surgery?  That sometimes IT wins?  That sometimes it comes back?  That just when scientist think they have it figured out it all changes?  It's just another illness, right?

What is it about chemotherapy that is so upsetting?  That you have to go and sit for hours to get it?  That it has some shitty side effects?  That it takes a really long time to work?  It's just medicine, right?

Why is all this news so hard to deal with?  Is it because we all know someone who has had cancer or who has died from cancer?  Is it because it completely changes life plans?  Is it because after the diagnosis we know that we have to deal with for the rest of our life?